MEMORY LAPSE

 

 

I hate it when this happens!

  

I had an awesome idea in my mind for a great post for my challenge.  I was almost asleep (no, I was NOT asleep yet, just relaxed) when the idea popped up into my head last night. I told myself I was going to write the story when I got up this morning and thought about details to write until I fell asleep. 

This morning, I took a shower and got dressed, and went about my usual activities of the day. Dennis headed off on his daily shopping trip, and I relaxed for a bit on Facebook.  

When I opened my laptop to write, the idea I had thought was so awesome was gone. Vanished. Kaput. I have absolutely no idea what I planned to write about. So, I thought about some of the areas where I have had other ideas for stories. Nursing? No, I don’t think so. Art? No. Grandchildren, not this time. Pets, possibly. I haven’t written about Jasmine that much lately. I’m still in shock over her death. Maybe later. Computers? No. Family issues? I don’t think so. 

Oh well, maybe it will come back to me later. For now, I think I’ll just think about where Dennis hides his memory gummies.  

I need to start taking them. 

Reading, Writing and Art

I do a lot of reading these days. I prefer historical fiction, clean western romances, mysteries and clean contemporary romances. When I write, I prefer to do essays, short fiction stories, especially flash fiction, and I like starting novels, but seem to get hung up while writing them, so haven't finished one yet.  I guess I need a coach or editor to kick me in the butt now and then to get one finished.

Tonight, I will be heading to the local library for a Book Tasting.  There will be a rolling cart with various books to try reading, We'll each select one book to read for a few minutes, to see if we like to continue reading it, and when a buzzer goes off, we will write a short review of the book, then select another book to "taste".  There will be food available for munching, and friends to enjoy the evening with.  I think it will be a lot of fun.  I'm usually rushed when I look for books to check out, so I'm hoping to be able to really enjoy reading for a while without feeling rushed.

Our book club selects a different book each month, and we discuss it a couple of times a month, then choose another book.  We meet every other week. I've been a member for a couple of months now and while I don't always like the books that have been selected, I am game to read them and try to offer my review of the books. 

My husband says I'm turning into a "hermit", because I often decline to attend the grandkids school events due to physical limitations since my surgeries in the past two decades.  This is one of the non-family events that I am enjoying.  I also enjoy my art club, even though I have been president for over 20 years!  They won't let me quit.  One day, I'll have to retire from that, because with my visual deficits, it's becoming very hard for me to do much art or to use my eyes for anything.  I had to quit driving in the past couple of years due to it.

Oh well, such is life. I'll enjoy what I can while I can. Then I'll have a lot of good memories of what I'm doing now.

Thank God for all my blessings.

A Good Day

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Today was a pretty good day. Church was great, Fr. Steve's homily was very pertinent and gave me a new perspective on Lent and sacrificing.  He said giving up sweets, or pasta really isn't the best sacrifice for the season, which reinforces an opinion I have had for decades.  God wants more sacrifices than food.

He wants us to give up our addictions, our bad habits, such as computer games, Facebook, gambling, smoking, drinking, in general, things that we shouldn't be doing anyway. Giving those activities and cravings for Lent can be a great time to quit smoking those coffin nails, shut down the computer and play Scrabble with the kids, or maybe studying our Bibles.  Pray with the family, scrape the snow from your elderly neighbor's sidewalk and drive.  Do something nice for someone.  Donate to your favorite charity.  Forgive someone who has hurt you. Ask  for forgiveness from those you have hurt.

After Mass, we drove five miles south of the church to St. Joe's Store, a well-loved local restaurant for breakfast.  Two of our granddaughters work as waitresses there, our sister-in-law manages the business, and the food is excellent and very reasonable there.  Our daughter, Becky, and her husband, Rusty, sat with us and we enjoyed some good conversation along with our meal.  Whitley, one of the granddaughter/waitresses, came up to me and asked if we wanted to sell my paintings, or at least one that a customer wanted to buy.  It was an acrylic painting of a goldfish I had painted several years ago.  I said yes and she gave me  the contact information so I could close the deal.  I'll probably call the customer tomorrow.

After dinner, we returned home and enjoyed our recliners and even took a short nap.  I found time to paint my fingernails and did some reflecting on what Fr. Steve had said this morning.

Right now, we are getting a light rainshower.  I'm not sure how much will fall, but we really need the moisture.  Dennis will probably go to bed soon and I will read my book until I get sleepy, usually around midnight.

It's been a peaceful day, with a mixture of sunshine and clouds, great company, and fond memories.  So much better than last week!

Losses: How they affect us.

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The first three months of every year are difficult for me.  Starting on January 12, my Teresa's birthday, and then my Mom's birthday and my parents' anniversary on the 26th, followed by the anniversary of Teresa's death on February 21.  My Dad's birthday is on February 26th.  The series concludes with my Mom's Angelversary on March 9th.  

During that period of time, I feel increased depression, dreading each event on the above list.  My appetite fluctuates, sometimes I deal with constant hunger for carbs, sometimes, I don't want to eat at all. I have severe digestive issues resulting from some complications from a surgery almost 20 years ago, only 5 years after our daughter's death by fire. The resulting chronic diarrhea and stomach cramping make life almost unbearable.

Some people would blame God for all their losses, but in our case, it brought us closer to God. I don't know that we would have made it without his help.

I did notice that my attention span, my mental concentration, and my ambition and energy levels have been greatly reduced from my losses, and the recovery time from exertion has become longer.

Recently, I talked to my doctor about my conditions and she is concerned that my problems might stem to an extent from some kind of cardiac problem.  I recently took an MRI of my heart, echocardio gram.  I am waiting for the results of that test, and have a cardiac stress test scheduled for next month---on my mom's angelversary.

Another stressor has been the loss of several pets.  I had Cuddles, my Bichon Frise, two Shih Tzus, Starr and Bandit, and most recently, Jasmine, a ShihPoo, we bought locally.  Cuddles died in 2009 after being hit by a car.  Starr and Bandit were rehomed in 2020 after I was admitted to the local nursing home.  Jasmine died just short of her first birthday, after suffering from diabetic renal failure.  I'll never forget the terrified look in her eyes the last two days of her life.  She was in pain and was restless, then started vomiting and her sweet personality changed to aggressive biting.  We had the vet put her down.  It broke my heart, but we couldn't see her suffer anymore.

In an effort to offset the effects of grief, we started a scholarship in Teresa's name.  Our son named one of their babies after Teresa, Dennis planted many rose bushes around our yard in her memory. I wrote many articles for area newspapers, poetry, and several fiction short stories. Writing is a method I've always used to express my feelings through my characters.  This May will be the 24th year that we will award our scholarship.  It's not a big one, but it might buy a book or two.  

I could probably go on for a week, writing about the grief journey, but too much of a good thing becomes rotten after a while.  If you have never lost a close loved one, you probably won't understand, but grief is never something you can schedule, or plan for. It's a day by day process.  Some days will be better than others, and some days your strength will ebb and flow. Flexibility is key to surviving grief.

A good support system is also vitally important. Grief can affect the entire family, especially marriages. Communication is essential. The biggest tool in my arsenal is Faith.  Our belief in God kept us strong and sane. Keep the Lord in your heart. 

I'mmmmm Baaaaack!

Full name: Email address: nurseartist1951 dmbarnes@twinvalley.net

I wasn't even sure if my blog still existed, since I've sadly neglected it for about 4 years.  Of course, the past 4 years have been quite eventful.  Make that the past 10 years.

Health issues, for both hubby and myself, were the main focus, along with the deaths of several close family members, including my parents, hubby's parents, two of his brothers, and several friends and distant family members. This was all on top of the loss of our daughter in 1999, which we are still coping with.  My emotional roller coaster almost left the tracks several times.  Some of you may relate to that.  If you don't, feel blessed.

When you lose someone close, or multiples thereof, your mental concentration goes down the toilet.  Memory of job details escape into some virtual dark hole, leaving you struggling to keep up.  And if your job is in a high stress environment, double the mental fog.  Eventually, it may cost you jobs.  It certainly did for me. 

Some don't believe in psychosomatic depression, but believe me, it is real. Every loved one I lose creates another black hole, where concentration and emotional stability is lost for an extended amount of time.  Sometimes that concentration can be restored, but often it just swirls around in the universe like space trash.  

Every body system can be affected, and usually is.  Neurologically, anxiety, pain, headaches, body aches, and depression. Muscle twitching and cramping also occur in depression.

Respiratory problems can result in increased anxiety, shortness of breath, or bronchial spasms.

Digestive systems are certainly affected, with constipation, diarrhea, and cramping common, as well as heartburn and other digestive symptoms. 

Fatigue and muscle weakness can be noticed during depressive episodes.

For myself, I found myself suffering from many of the above issues.  Learning more about coping mechanisms has helped me to get through my emotional problems. 

God has been the main support system for me, followed by family and friends. Without them all, I probably would have died years ago.

I've been very blessed, and I try to pay it forward.

Faith is Love Blessed.