Ups and Downs in My Life

Wow!  A lot has happened since I last posted.  I'll try to paraphrase.

We really enjoyed our time with little Maliyah over the holiday season. She was staying with Becky and Rusty, going to daycare at Little Eagles Daycare with Karla Danielson. She was happy, and learning some good habits and keeping a regular sleep routine. She had made friends at the daycare and was coming to Story Time at the Library.   Regan was struggling with some issues in Colorado and needed some stress relief.

Regan called and wanted Maliyah to come and stay with her for a "couple of weeks" so we met her in Colby, KS to hand deliver our precious cargo over to her.  I had my suspicions then, but was afraid to voice them.  A couple of weeks later, we learned that she had called Becky and said she was keeping Maliyah out there.  Ordinarily this would be good news, but we were concerned that Maliyah would be unhappy.  We didn't hear much from Regan or Maliyah for a couple of months.

Then on February 11, Dennis lost his dad to Alzheimers and depression.  When I notified Regan, she said she wanted to come and attend the funeral.  And she needed to get the rest of Maliyah's things which we hadn't taken with us to Colby, thinking it was for a two week stay.  An argument between Regan and Becky caused some tense moments over the phone, but thank God they got that pretty much worked out before Regan arrived.  It was killing me to have that strife in my family.

Regan and Maliyah and Regan's friend MJ left to return to Colorado this morning. They should be getting home about now.   We've been texting back and forth now and then.  I asked her to send videos and pics of them and she said she was missing us already. I told her there was a fix for that.  She said "you'll be moving to Colorado then?"  I said "I wouldn't hold your breath on that one.  Grandpa in a liberal state?  He'd stroke out."  Then I asked her when she could return for another visit.

I'm hoping that the weather isn't too nasty on Teresa's Angelversary, so I can take out some new fake flowers.  I wish I could use living ones, but the icy cold we've been having would only kill them, and the wind would blow them all over the cemetery. I want to write more about Teresa and her life this week.

I gave up my job at the library at the end of January.  The demands of the Board at the insistence of the consortium at Great Bend was more than I knew I could physically handle. I'm having neuropathies in my feet and sometimes they lose feeling and I almost fall, usually after standing for several minutes.  Some of the work there requires standing or walking for longer periods of time. Jobs that required standing and walking were being neglected.  I did the best I could do, but it just wasn't good enough.  So I turned in my notice.  I miss the job. I enjoyed the work, and most of the people I dealt with there.  Mostly I miss the paycheck, meager as it was.

Now I'm looking at other ways to make some spending cash and help pay some of the bills, so Dennis isn't carrying the entire load.  My Social Security doesn't go very far.

But that is life. Just when you think things are going pretty well, someone pulls the rug out from under you.  Sometimes I do it to myself.  But I look at it like God is closing a door so he can open another one for me.  So I put it all in His hands.  I'm ready Lord.  Where is it?

Journaling Saves Sanity

Raising 4 small children in the 70s and 80s was very stressful at times.  Dennis was gone all week and sometimes more than that in the truck.  I lived 45 miles from my mom, and although Dennis' mom helped as much as she could, I still had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.

I would have probably gone insane if it hadn't been for bingo with Georgia, Dennis' mom, and my journaling.  I kept a spiral wire bound notebook for several years, in which I confided all my fears, sorrows, resentments, as well as appointments, important events and how I reacted to them, and the happy times as well. I kept my journal hidden, because of the nature of my entries. I didn't want Dennis to know how unhappy I was during that time, and, to tell the truth, after I wrote my bitching down, it just didn't seem all that bad after all.

So I'd write and put it away until the next post, and then write some more.  I wrote after supper, while the kids were napping, while they did their homework, and often late at night while everyone was asleep.  It was my own space, timewise and physically, when I could have a quiet moment alone.  I treasured those moments.  I could cry quietly when I felt the need.  My journal never questioned my judgment, it never told me to "get over it."  It never made any faces at me, or made jokes about my sensitivities.  It was almost the perfect shoulder to cry on.

It just wasn't a soft shoulder.  It didn't dry my tears. It never solved any problems for me.  I still had to do all those things.  But it was very important to me, and I'm glad I did it.  I do wish I'd kept those journals.  I threw them away because I was afraid my growing kids or husband might find them and learn how much I shouldered while taking care of them.

Now, I've started doing more journaling again. I have a paper journal, and this, my blog, to confide in. Of course, I'm careful what I put in them, just in case, but I still find them a comfort to me when I'm feeling down.

In this age, with all the craziness going on around me, I need some way to express my concerns and fears, my sorrows, and my happiness as well.

Thank you Journal for keeping me sane.  I really should name you.  Journal just sounds so lame. I know, I'm going to name you Teresa, after my daughter.  I hereby christen my journal Teresa Marie.

I feel better now.

More jobs than I can count

Last week I found a new job.  Well, it actually found me. After trying unsuccessfully to bow out of my tour of duty for the Church's Parish Council, (I was feeling overwhelmed with my library duties and other life events), I went to the latest meeting hoping to just skate along without any additional duties.  No such luck.  I was sitting there, half listening, and half daydreaming, and I heard my name mentioned. 

"Dixie, you'll do it, won't you? You work at the library, so  you could just type up your notes there while you're working." 

Do what?  What do they think I do at the library, anyway? 

"I'm sorry?  What did you want me to do?"

"Serve as Parish Council Secretary.  Since the last one left the Council, we're without a secretary.  Can you do this for us?"

"Oh, I don't know..."

"We'll help you if you can't attend a meeting or two.  All you need to do is write up the minutes and submit them within a week of each meeting."

My thoughts were suddenly racing and I know my blood pressure was flying high.  Another demand on my time. Now how will I ever get back to my novel?  Or paint?  On the other hand, how do you say "NO"  to God?

"Well, I suppose I could try.  But I might need some help some months. Especially in the summer..."

"Great!  Let the record state that Dixie Barnes will be the new Parish Council Secretary, and all the other officers will remain as is.."

I'm suddenly scrambling to write down who the officers are and trying to take notes of what is going on.  The first part of the meeting is a blur.  I'm jotting down notes on all the papers handed to me at the beginning of the meeting, as well as the papers I had received prior to the meeting.

I didn't even tell Dennis when I got home. I knew he'd chide me about taking on another responsibility.  I was so exhausted after working all day and then spending four hours in the meeting that I just went to bed.

About four days later, I finally got  a chance to sit down and try to write the minutes up from that meeting. I sent the Parish Secretary an email, asking her to help fill in a few blanks I had left, like the attendance names.  I hadn't counted or itemized all the people present, and there had been three women there that I wasn't sure of their identity.  Well, two of them I knew, but the other one..nope.

So, that was my initiation into the next job on my resume.  I'm looking for a notebook to start putting all the papers in, so I can back reference if needed at the next meeting.  And I'll have to make sure I am always off work at the library before the meetings start from now on. I was late coming to this meeting, and look where it got me?

Til next time...don't take any wooden nickels!